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Sarah's Journey: Discovering Her Non-Sexual Nature

Sarah, 37: I have not once enjoyed sex. In my youth, I felt flawed as society put it on a pedestal.”

The sole topic that Cameron and I have clashed over is our sex life. After meeting almost a decade back, physical intimacy was definitely something he desired more often than me. Following six months of being together, we opted to experiment with a non-monogamous setup so that Cameron could pursue partners who desire more intimacy than I do.

There were feelings of jealousy at first, but our bond was reinforced thanks to open dialogue, and I came to feel completely safe in our bond. It’s been a huge blessing for us, because I have never loved sex. In my younger years, I thought incomplete as others idealized it, but I never fully understood what was so great about it.

After discovering a book about asexuality on social media in 2021, it was an eye-opener. I felt surprised, as previously I thought of myself as a someone with desire – I like to masturbate, and I’d had a considerable number of sex when I was younger. But I think I engaged in those encounters because I felt guilty – a remnant of my youth in a society that teaches us it’s necessary to meet others’ expectations.

The resource revealed to me was that being asexual is a diverse continuum. To illustrate, I experience no sexual desire, even for individuals who I consider attractive. I admire their beauty, but I don’t want to be intimate with them. But I do like experiencing release. For me, it’s enjoyable and it provides relief – a way to settle everything on my mind upstairs.

This was extremely empowering to tell my partner that I identify as asexual. He understands. We sometimes be physical, as I feel deep connection and closeness to him when we do, and I am deliberately opting when I want to bond with him physically. It’s not that I have a physical urge, but there are different motivations to have sex, like seeking connection. I notice his pleasure, and that gives me pleasure. In the same way that a person who is not asexual can decide to abstain, I am able to choose to be physical for other reasons than sexual excitement.

Cameron's Viewpoint: Romance Beyond Physical Intimacy

Cameron, 36: Simply because intimacy isn’t the focus does not imply that affection is lacking.”

Physical intimacy used to be super important to me. It’s where I got a lot of my self-worth. I had been sick and hospitalized often as a teenager, so sex evolved into an activity that I thought provided empowerment over my body. This began to shift significantly upon getting to know Sarah, as sex was no longer the central focus between us.

With Sarah, I discovered more value in different aspects of who I am, and it shifted focus away from sex. I have no desire to be intimate with anyone else now either. Whenever I experience like having sex, there are other ways to address it. Masturbation is one, but it can also be going for a stroll, reflecting on what I’m feeling or creative expression.

After Sarah realized this part of herself, I came to see that intimacy is focused on bonding. That can come during sex, but also through different forms that are just as valuable and gratifying. I previously held a specific idea of what asexuality was – without sexual activity, you never experience desire. But it’s a spectrum, and it needs exploration to determine where you stand on it.

We’ve been together for almost a decade, and simply because sex isn’t the main focus doesn’t mean that affection is lacking. Planning intentional periods for that is crucial for both of us. Sometimes we work on complex building kits and do them in small portions every morning, which feels really intimate. Sometimes we plan a special night and head out for a special beverage and a meal. We embrace and set goals for the future, which is a form of care. I get great joy from cooking for other people, and it leaves me deeply fulfilled in a similar way to post-intimacy feeling.

This aspect has enlarged the understanding of our partnership. It resembles constraining the tools at your disposal for your relationship – you have to think innovatively with your current situation. It challenges you to consider creatively. But it didn’t diminish the affection that I had for Sarah at all.